Men Sex and Love

The Problem That Has a Name

It’s happening to men all around the globe.

The problem lies buried, unspoken, in the minds and hearts and genitals of American men. 

It is a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning men are suffering acutely as we embark upon the third decade of the 21st century.

Each man struggles with it alone. 

As he sips his coffee, as he drives to work, as he watches his kids’ basketball games. As he showers. As he shaves. As he turns on his computer screen, and once again, logs in to a porn site, looking for a fix.

It happens in the morning. It happens at work. It happens at night, when the kids have gone to bed, when the wife is busy watching TV. Or, if the man is single, it happens in the dim light of his living room, this yearning, this searching for meaning, this desire for pleasure, the desire to feel something. 

In couples, the women are often in the dark. They’re tired from working all day, from organizing kids’ schedules, from making meals or doing laundry and dishes. They’re too tired to have sex, and often feel like pleasing their partner is added pressure they can’t handle. They’d rather go to a yoga class or take a bath, or nod off while reading a book.

Meanwhile, the man is dying for physical touch, for intimacy. He’s dying to be held. He’s dying for someone to show him affection in a visceral way, a way that he maybe never received. And so, again and again, he turns to porn, and he decides that he’ll give that pleasure to himself. He’ll just take care of this himself, he says.  

Because in porn, the women are always happy. They’re always eager. They’re always ready and available. They’ll try anything. And they’re never too tired.

In real life, when a man meets a woman who is beautiful and sexy, intelligent and confident, he has no idea what she’ll want to do, whether she’ll want to try out positions, whether she’ll like what he feels like in bed. And so it’s easier to keep resorting to an imagined woman, a robotic woman, a woman who doesn’t exist. Because in that imagined scenario, the woman is always pleased, and he always feels like a man. He always feels powerful. She is always happy. In the imagined scenario, the man always knows what to do. 

For many men addicted to porn, they become so enamoured with the imagined world, that the 

“the real thing” is too much to handle. So instead of going after what he wants, and having to accept his own vulnerability, and having to communicate his fears or desires, the man shies away, buttons up, retreats. He makes up an excuse. He runs. As a man, he’s supposed to be always ready for sex, but he’s spent so much time looking at websites, looking at other people get off, that he doesn’t know how to get off himself. He doesn’t know how to get aroused when “the real thing” is standing in front of him, when he is confronted with truth instead of his imagination, when he is not in a paradigm he can control. 

And all across America, this addiction to pornography is killing relationships. It’s killing existing relationships, and it’s killing potential relationships, because men are unsure of how to be vulnerable in the arms of a real woman, how to communicate their needs. They’re not sure if they’re allowed to do such a thing. They’re men, after all. Are they even supposed to have needs? No. They’re supposed to be tough, to muscle through. They’re not supposed to share their feelings. They’re just supposed to watch people experience pleasure from the sidelines, and get off through watching rather than actually being present in the experience themselves.

And what do men desire most of all?

Intimacy. Kind words. Physical affection. Deep love.

Sex and Love

Why Are You on a Dating Site?

One of the things I’ve learned about people on dating sites is that they’re afraid to fall in love.

They desperately want a partner in their lives. They want a person to talk to, to share stories with, to make plans with. They want a companion.

But when it comes to the potential of having “the real thing,” they back out, or they get scared, and they just return to swiping.

Does this sound like you?

Have you met or seen someone you thought was amazing, but told yourself, I’ll never measure up?

Do you scroll through profiles and pictures, getting so addicted to just browsing profiles and pictures, you’ve forgotten what it is you’re actually after?

Are you spending so much time on porn sites that you don’t know how to actually engage with a real live human being when it comes time to kiss or hug or suggest sex and intimacy as a next step?

Or are you having mindless, hungry sex with someone you barely know, only to be left feeling empty afterward, wanting something you can’t put your finger on?

I’m here to help.

I’ll help you get clear on who you are and what you want, as well as any damaging patterns you’ve adopted that you’ll want to break in order to move into a more fulfilling love life. I’ll help you set intentions and adhere to practices that fulfill those intentions. And while my coaching is going to challenge you, it will also help you to loosen up, to lighten up, and have fun.

Real-life sex and interaction with a fellow human being, in an environment where expectations have been discussed, where communication is clear, where you can both grow and learn and discover, is so much fun. It’s healing. It’s awesome.

It’s way better than sitting in front of your laptop looking at porn.

Like, seriously.

Photo by Donovan Grabowski on Unsplash

Sex and Love

Your Vulnerability Is Your Strength

Here is the truth many of us are too afraid to admit, and we spend countless hours in front of the television or our computer screens, or scrolling on social media feeds, or worrying about pointless details, to avoid acknowledging it:

We are vulnerable, fragile human beings.

No day in our lives is guaranteed. Not one single day. Not one.

You could have one more day to live, or you could have 30 more years. You just don’t know.

It doesn’t matter how much money you have, how many stock options or 401K plans you’ve acquired. It doesn’t matter what your title is, what company you work for, who you know. It doesn’t matter how big your house is, or whether you drive a nice car or a clunker. All of those things fade. So what is real? What is true? What will make you sincerely happy?

Do you have any interest in exploring that, or are you going to eat a donut, open a bottle of beer, and anxiously grab for a phone or a computer screen and pretend you’re alive?

At root, we have to come to terms with the knowledge that in most of our lives, we are not in control. We can control our own behavior, and that’s it.

So how do you move through life with this awareness, and act with wisdom, clarity, without regret? And as a byproduct, experience abundant joy and pleasure?

What needs to happen is that you begin to acknowledge your own vulnerability, and own it. You get very honest with yourself about what you can control, and what you can’t control, and how you’re going to proceed.

You spend time alone, doing deep inner work, sorting things out.

What negative patterns have I engaged in? Why do I keep ending up in the same rotten situations? Am I saying how I really feel? What am I afraid of? Am I always going to feel sad and alone?

How am I going to live better, so I feel good about myself, so I love myself, so I become trustworthy? How can I live life on my own terms, and still act with a clear conscience?

When we’re not able to acknowledge our own vulnerability and communicate with others about it, we end up in False Relationships. Relationships that don’t serve us. Relationships that repeat old, damaging, negative patterns. Relationships that leave us feeling broken and raw and desperate. Relationships that bring up old wounds, time and time again, that have never healed. And we get further and further from what we want, more and more hopeless, more and more resigned. And it impedes us from living the live we really want to live.

So we settle. And we end up in the same situation again.

I’m hear to help you make wise choices so you move past old patterns, old wounds, old traumas, and live in way that is free and whole, fresh and new, exciting, engaging, fun, and beautiful.

Because that’s what you deserve. That’s what you’re here for. That’s what your spirit came on earth to do.

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

Sex and Love

Own Your Words

Sex begins the moment the two of you lock eyes. Making love happens in every interaction.

So the foundation to any relationship is meaning what you say and saying what you mean, both in the bedroom and outside of it.

True Words. Always.

The problem is, we’re not even always honest with ourselves, so speaking truth requires us to do our own internal work in order to make relationships and interactions successful.

A big reason men and women struggle so much to become intimate, physically and emotionally, is that they are not sure whether to trust each other. Each party is often wondering, What is he or she thinking? rather than actually communicating his or her concerns, wants, or needs and wanting to genuinely hear the same from the other person. It is only through open communication, true words, that great intimacy can happen, that astonishingly good sex can be enjoyed by both parties.

Unfortunately, we live within a culture and a history that assumes women do not say what they mean, that women may want the opposite of what they actually say. This is why women are terrified of being raped, assaulted, or harassed, because they know that when they speak, they are not always taken seriously. They know that if they are in a situation with a man who has physical or societal power and prestige, he may arrogantly or mindlessly assume he knows what she really means. And he won’t honor her “yes,” her “no,” her “maybe.”

But it is not only women who feel that their words are not honored. We live in a culture with intense gender stereotypes, so we often assume that women are less inclined toward sex while men are more inclined. This means men often feel pressure to perform, and they don’t feel comfortable asserting their own “no,” their own “yes,” their own “maybe.” If a man wants to cuddle or talk instead of have sex, he feels like he is less of a man, that he’ll be judged for not being masculine. If a man wishes to make himself vulnerable with someone in order to establish intimacy or have the affection and attention he desperately craves, he fears he will be seen as a wimp, that he will lose his sex appeal.

Meanwhile, women feel like their bodies are not their own, that their bodies belong to their husbands, or their children, or the state. And so they cannot often inhabit their own sexuality, their own personal power, which leads to repression, addictive behaviors, or depression and anxiety. And this causes a toll on relationships, and on the possibility of having great sex, of making great love, of happiness for themselves and their families.

And did I mention shame? Because shame about our bodies and our desires is probably the biggest obstacle to having a great sex life, a great love life, a great life. And that shame has been handed down, over and over, by our religious institutions, which have convinced us sex is wrong and inherently full of sin, that we are inherently full of sin, and it has made us loathe our bodies rather than love and respect them.

I’m here to change all that. I’m here to clean up the mess.

Just call me the Mary Poppins of Sex.

Photo by Émile Perron on Unsplash

Sex and Love

Sexual Materialism

You may have heard of the term “spiritual materialism,” but have you heard of “sexual materialism”? Probably not. I just invented it.

Spiritual materialism is a term coined by Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, founder of Shambhala Buddhism. He says that a big problem in spirituality is when we apply a capitalistic framework to our spiritual lives, meaning we think that being a “spiritual” person means we have already or will “attain” something by following a spiritual path. So the same way we work at jobs in order to get money, we think that if we work on ourselves, we’ll get a reward. And when this doesn’t happen, we get upset and frustrated, because we want to “get” something for our labors.

This applies to sexual frameworks as well, and it causes us a lot of hurt and heartbreak. We think of pleasure as a commodity, of orgasm as a reward. And orgasms are great, don’t get me wrong. Who doesn’t want an orgasm? Who doesn’t enjoy that kind of release?

But that’s the thing—some of us don’t enjoy that kind of release, because as soon as we orgasm, we experience all kinds of uncomfortable feelings: shame, guilt, despair, isolation. We think that the throes of lovemaking are going to heal us and make us feel better, but once it’s over, we go back to the same scared numbness as we had before. And so we either move further away from lovemaking, or we become addicted to it the way we become addicted to a drug. Our operating system becomes focused on what we can do to attain and experience pleasure or orgasm, as though it’s the pinnacle of everything we want to reach for, but we’re only satisfied for a few moments before real life settles back in, and we feel empty and confused, waiting to get our next fix.

The problem is, because of the way our culture is set up, and because we have so few models of healthy sexuality, we don’t know what to do with all of these feelings, and we don’t know how to talk about them or express them in healthy ways. So we end up going into dark caves inside ourselves and repressing our sexuality, or feeling ashamed of it, or watching a lot of pornography, or cheating on our partners so we can feel something, anything. Or, if we’re single, we begin to operate from a place of conquest, of collecting sexual partners, to convince ourselves we are worthy and desirable. Meanwhile, we’re steeped in a pain that won’t go away no matter how many orgasms or sexual partners we have.

A healthy sex life is not just about the sex. Good sex is a byproduct of interior health. And so once we can get clear in our hearts and minds about what we want, about what motivates us, about what we believe to be true (or what we’d like to be true), we can begin exploring a healthy sexuality, which involves, more than anything, strong, healthy communication.

Photo by Alejandra Quiroz on Unsplash