Sex and Love

Own Your Words

Sex begins the moment the two of you lock eyes. Making love happens in every interaction.

So the foundation to any relationship is meaning what you say and saying what you mean, both in the bedroom and outside of it.

True Words. Always.

The problem is, we’re not even always honest with ourselves, so speaking truth requires us to do our own internal work in order to make relationships and interactions successful.

A big reason men and women struggle so much to become intimate, physically and emotionally, is that they are not sure whether to trust each other. Each party is often wondering, What is he or she thinking? rather than actually communicating his or her concerns, wants, or needs and wanting to genuinely hear the same from the other person. It is only through open communication, true words, that great intimacy can happen, that astonishingly good sex can be enjoyed by both parties.

Unfortunately, we live within a culture and a history that assumes women do not say what they mean, that women may want the opposite of what they actually say. This is why women are terrified of being raped, assaulted, or harassed, because they know that when they speak, they are not always taken seriously. They know that if they are in a situation with a man who has physical or societal power and prestige, he may arrogantly or mindlessly assume he knows what she really means. And he won’t honor her “yes,” her “no,” her “maybe.”

But it is not only women who feel that their words are not honored. We live in a culture with intense gender stereotypes, so we often assume that women are less inclined toward sex while men are more inclined. This means men often feel pressure to perform, and they don’t feel comfortable asserting their own “no,” their own “yes,” their own “maybe.” If a man wants to cuddle or talk instead of have sex, he feels like he is less of a man, that he’ll be judged for not being masculine. If a man wishes to make himself vulnerable with someone in order to establish intimacy or have the affection and attention he desperately craves, he fears he will be seen as a wimp, that he will lose his sex appeal.

Meanwhile, women feel like their bodies are not their own, that their bodies belong to their husbands, or their children, or the state. And so they cannot often inhabit their own sexuality, their own personal power, which leads to repression, addictive behaviors, or depression and anxiety. And this causes a toll on relationships, and on the possibility of having great sex, of making great love, of happiness for themselves and their families.

And did I mention shame? Because shame about our bodies and our desires is probably the biggest obstacle to having a great sex life, a great love life, a great life. And that shame has been handed down, over and over, by our religious institutions, which have convinced us sex is wrong and inherently full of sin, that we are inherently full of sin, and it has made us loathe our bodies rather than love and respect them.

I’m here to change all that. I’m here to clean up the mess.

Just call me the Mary Poppins of Sex.

Photo by Émile Perron on Unsplash

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